When I worked as a manager, I would always ask people what is one personality trait or characteristic they would like to develop. One of the answers I received was, “I would like to be more assertive.” Six months after this person started working with me, she was promoted and soon managing people and being assertive towards others. Being assertive is no longer the issue.

What are some of the ways that you can develop and become more assertive in your life?

Effective Way 1: Know your Values and Belief Systems

Having a set of principles to live by will help you become more assertive in your life in the areas you believe are necessary. These principles that guide you will allow you to simplify your life in complicated situations and to know when to stick up for yourself and when it’s not as important to stick to your guns.

A set of principles to help you increase your assertiveness might be:

1) I will say “No” when I mean it. And give the person an explanation why. And stick with it.
2) I will learn to ask for help when I feel it is necessary.
3) I will compliment one co-worker every week.
4) I will disagree with a person’s view when I genuinely feel it. But I will let them finish their thoughts.
5) When friends ask me what I want to do, I will tell them directly instead of saying “What would you like to do?”

Effective Way 2: Be Assertive With Yourself First

Learn to act assertively on your own. If you’ve ever watched the movie Taxi, there’s a scene where Robert De Niro looks in the mirror and goes “Are you Looking at Me?”

He practices in front of the mirror to being more assertive in life. He acts in the way he wants to be. I’m not going to lie, for many people it’s going to feel like being really hokey and fake. But let’s face it if you can’t feel assertive about doing an exercise at home when there’s no one around and you feel silly about it, then that’s part of the big reason you can’t be assertive with other people. Have you noticed people who are assertive don’t mind being truly who they are. They don’t mind what other people are thinking about them.

You’ve got to step up and be assertive on your own, and this will help to start rewire the brain. It’s not going to be easy. It needs to be done consistently on a daily basis. Say to yourself, “I’m confident, assertive and I ROCK!” Say it until you mean it, because if you don’t believe it, how are other people going to believe you?

And you have to say it out loud, for some reason or other that I can’t remember, if we whisper thoughts in our own head we use the reptilian brain. A primitive area that tries to keep us safe, but when we say something out loud and mean it, we use our most intelligent part of our brain that is filled with creativity and courage. So yes, say it loud!

Effective Way 3: Choose Small Battles at First

I once mentored a student who had challenges being assertive. He decided to join a university club but felt that he wasn’t contributing much to the organization. He felt that he had a lot to offer and had so many great ideas. And he was ready to share them, but he was just a little too shy.

One day during a meeting he had the same idea as another person in the group. The other person spoke up and everyone raved about it, while my mentee quietly thought to himself what a great idea it would be but never shared it. He felt left out and in a way robbed from the experience of being able to share a wonderful idea. The following meeting, he did what he needed to do to be more assertive, he shared one idea vocally with his group, and he didn’t hold it in.

If you’re polite and courteous which are important, but want to build up your assertiveness, start off small. This can be when you’re at a meeting and someone asks for your idea, for you to actually share it. Whether you feel it’s a good idea or bad, you need to share it. When someone asks you where you want to go for dinner, tell them confidently that you would like to go here.

As you answer questions that people ask you, you will slowly develop more confidence in responding to others about your needs. Sometimes people imagine being assertive like being Donald Trump. That’s an unrealistic goal to work towards when you’re first starting out. Keep things simple when being assertive. And be patient, it’s a habit you’re trying to develop not a one night stand.

I think we’ve all been in a situation where we’re talking to a person and he ends up talking about something that makes our head dizzy. Usually it’s about a topic that is so detailed and technical, such as the how a circuirt board is made, or how plumbing in our houses work, that our head spins.

What do you do if you need to explain a confusing concept to the every day Jack and Jill? So not only will they understand what you are saying, but they will find what you are saying absolutely fascinating?

The Beauty of Metaphors

The beaty of all science, nature, art and all things technical is that every detail can be compared to another more relatable concept.
And the use of using metaphors can help make explaining complex concepts into fun and exciting conversations.

I’m not a software programmer, so I don’t know much about the languages that are used to write software. However I know that some people talk about writing a program, and the types of languages they have to use, and then they go into details that makes my head spin.

When you need to talk about such concepts to people are not familiar with what you are doing, you need to use metaphors to help them understand.

There are many people who are not familiar with computer programming languages. And they may not understand why people want to be a computer programmer, but let’s say you tell people, “Let me try to explain it in these terms.”

“Imagine building a house, you have an image of how the house is supposed to be, and how it’s supposed to look. You have all the tools, and now it has to be built in a specific order or else the house will turn out badly in one way or another. The foundation needs to be built and then another piece and then another. So when it’s all done correctly, a beautiful house has been built, in which some parts people see, and other parts people don’t.

“Computer programming is the same thing. It’s to build this beautiful program that people can use to make their life easier. To be able to find the right way to build this program so that it creates this beautiful house. Every detail is intricate and must be dealt with with great care. Or else like a house, it will crumble or mistakes will be found afterwards. But the goal is to build something that people will love to use and enjoy.”

Simplify

Whether you are are explaining concepts to co workers during a presentation, or you’re on a date with someone who wants to know more about your job then take the time to think about about a metaphor that helps people understand the concept you are trying to convey.

Metaphors are beautiful. They have a way of simplifying what you want to say in a way that makes people feel comfortable and relaxed.

The key is to be able to use a metaphor that is relates to every day living. If you explain a concept and compare it to another confusing concept you’re just going to get the person even more dazed and confused.

How Would You Explain it to a Person in Grade 6?

I want you to imagine that you had to explain the concept to a person in grade 6. Would he or she understand what you’re trying to convey? Would you even use that type of language to begin with? Probably not. You would try to explain to someone in grade 6 in more simplified terms. As we grow older we become more knowledgeable, but we can’t learn everything. Make it easy for people to understand you, the moment you intentionally or unintentionally make someone feel stupid, is the moment you’ve lost them.

And true charisma comes from taking the most complex, and making it beautiful, simple and understandable.

Art of Conversation -Storytelling has been one of the oldest forms of communication. Even before our ancestors were able to verbally create words, they were telling their stories in caves with pictures and dye. As time went by and verbal communication came into the every day, people of the past sat around fires in caves, in battlefields to discuss the victories of the day. And even today when we go camping, many of us share ghost stories, or stories of humour to bond. Storytelling is powerful.

It does what statistics will never do, which is move people to massive action. Stories allow us to emotionally experience something that a number can not do. Nor will a PowerPoint presentation be the key to ensuring that the people you work with will remember the information. Do you know what a PowerPoint presentation is? It’s a text book on screen…and how much do you remember from your textbooks?

Your presentations need to engage your audience. And the best and simplest way to keep their attention longer, to have them remember information longer, and to also ensure that they are moved to action is by stories. Strangely enough telling stories is a delicate art. This is why though there are a lot of different books out there, not all of them make it as best sellers. So how do you ensure that your presentation is the equivalent of a best seller. Here are the four essential elements to every great story.

1) Keep Your Perspective Consistent.

When telling a story either tell in the first person “I” perspective, or the third person perspective of the character. Notice that all great movies will either use the “I” or they will have a third person character involved. They don’t go “You did this…or you did that.” I’ve never ran into an excellent story that even remotely used the second person perspective.

2) Details

The details you give the story are very important. They should be rich, and vivid and include as much of the senses as possible. Visual details, sounds, and even olfactory senses if the story does have one. People like to imagine.

3) Emotions

Emotions are keys to story. Or else what happens is that you really don’t have a story at all. Evoking emotion either through your tone of voice, or through the use of emotional words will help people understand you more. There is nothing else that we have in common other than emotions. We all have emotions in common.

4) A Conflict and Resolution.

What challenge did the character have to overcome? What did the character learn along the way. If you just discuss about the conflict and don’t tell people how you resolved the situation, then you’re going to leave people feeling miserable. Don’t do this unless this is your goal. People like positive endings, and a great ending will leave a great lasting impression to move people to action. Those are the four essential elements, next time you read a great story, or you see a great presentation notice the story format. Notice that every successful motivational speaker, or sales person also is a great storyteller.

For more great tips and a deeper look at how you can become a great storyteller then check out the book Art of Conversation: Enhance Your Charisma For Success