When I worked as a manager, I would always ask people what is one personality trait or characteristic they would like to develop. One of the answers I received was, “I would like to be more assertive.” Six months after this person started working with me, she was promoted and soon managing people and being assertive towards others. Being assertive is no longer the issue.
What are some of the ways that you can develop and become more assertive in your life?
Effective Way 1: Know your Values and Belief Systems
Having a set of principles to live by will help you become more assertive in your life in the areas you believe are necessary. These principles that guide you will allow you to simplify your life in complicated situations and to know when to stick up for yourself and when it’s not as important to stick to your guns.
A set of principles to help you increase your assertiveness might be:
1) I will say “No” when I mean it. And give the person an explanation why. And stick with it.
2) I will learn to ask for help when I feel it is necessary.
3) I will compliment one co-worker every week.
4) I will disagree with a person’s view when I genuinely feel it. But I will let them finish their thoughts.
5) When friends ask me what I want to do, I will tell them directly instead of saying “What would you like to do?”
Effective Way 2: Be Assertive With Yourself First
Learn to act assertively on your own. If you’ve ever watched the movie Taxi, there’s a scene where Robert De Niro looks in the mirror and goes “Are you Looking at Me?”
He practices in front of the mirror to being more assertive in life. He acts in the way he wants to be. I’m not going to lie, for many people it’s going to feel like being really hokey and fake. But let’s face it if you can’t feel assertive about doing an exercise at home when there’s no one around and you feel silly about it, then that’s part of the big reason you can’t be assertive with other people. Have you noticed people who are assertive don’t mind being truly who they are. They don’t mind what other people are thinking about them.
You’ve got to step up and be assertive on your own, and this will help to start rewire the brain. It’s not going to be easy. It needs to be done consistently on a daily basis. Say to yourself, “I’m confident, assertive and I ROCK!” Say it until you mean it, because if you don’t believe it, how are other people going to believe you?
And you have to say it out loud, for some reason or other that I can’t remember, if we whisper thoughts in our own head we use the reptilian brain. A primitive area that tries to keep us safe, but when we say something out loud and mean it, we use our most intelligent part of our brain that is filled with creativity and courage. So yes, say it loud!
Effective Way 3: Choose Small Battles at First
I once mentored a student who had challenges being assertive. He decided to join a university club but felt that he wasn’t contributing much to the organization. He felt that he had a lot to offer and had so many great ideas. And he was ready to share them, but he was just a little too shy.
One day during a meeting he had the same idea as another person in the group. The other person spoke up and everyone raved about it, while my mentee quietly thought to himself what a great idea it would be but never shared it. He felt left out and in a way robbed from the experience of being able to share a wonderful idea. The following meeting, he did what he needed to do to be more assertive, he shared one idea vocally with his group, and he didn’t hold it in.
If you’re polite and courteous which are important, but want to build up your assertiveness, start off small. This can be when you’re at a meeting and someone asks for your idea, for you to actually share it. Whether you feel it’s a good idea or bad, you need to share it. When someone asks you where you want to go for dinner, tell them confidently that you would like to go here.
As you answer questions that people ask you, you will slowly develop more confidence in responding to others about your needs. Sometimes people imagine being assertive like being Donald Trump. That’s an unrealistic goal to work towards when you’re first starting out. Keep things simple when being assertive. And be patient, it’s a habit you’re trying to develop not a one night stand.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Props for the great article. Really interesting read.
I agree with step Be Assertive With Yourself First. Yes it is going to feel strange talking to yourself in the mirror and to begin your not going to feel confident.
That is okay you are not meant to a first. Give it time, and you will become more assertive.
It’s almost weird how we’ll talk to ourselves in our own little thought bubbles and say a million different things a day, but the moment we vocalize it, and have to see it in real life it can get to real for us.
But that’s the part of the brain that hates change, and learning to challenge that part of the brain that is fear will make us more assertive over time. To me assertive is a habit that takes time to build.