Now for those that know me, probably know that I’m a positive person most of the time. There are moments in my life where dark clouds, sadness reigns and I get red angry at people. It’s part of who I am.
I’m a big fan of the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. A book that has personally changed my life. Inside the book it talks about people being positive all the time, and how much energy it takes to be patient to reframe situations to put a positive spin, and to be supportive of others. It takes a truck load of energy. This is true among those who have tried to be cheery during the bloodiest wars, and those that have been declared saints among us all.
Being positive all the time in your conversations is hard work. I think it’s unrealistic and it robs us of our gift of emotions. We all have the right to feel the range of emotions that we have, and we all have the right to be able to express them when we genuinely feel them. But here’s the catch, we have to allow our negative emotions and conversations to show up in MODERATION.
Too Many Cheery Conversations Make You Fake
If you’re always cheery in your conversations, even if you have good intentions, this can give the impression that you’re insincere and not being real. This is because even the most positive of us have worries, have concerns and have part of our life we detest that we want to change. And being positive all the time gives the impression you don’t have problems. And the only people that don’t have problems are dead people. And if you’re reading this you’re not dead.
We should and need to feel comfortable sharing these problems with the people we are closest with. Even Mother Theresa felt at times that life was hard, that she felt that she was punished though she never discussed it with anybody else but the Vatican.
This doesn’t mean that you should always be Negative Nancy and dwell on negative aspects of life in your conversations. If you do focus too much on the negative then people will view you as a complainer and a depressor. (And this can be a turn off in long term relationships) This is one of the quickest ways to lose friends in your life. Your friends are there to give you a shoulder to lean on once in a while. They’re not responsible to give you their entire body and soul every other day.
You can lose a lot of friends and potential dates for discussing the same challenges in your life that you choose not to solve, such as how much you hate your job. Or what will happen is you will end up attracting others who hate their job as much as you do.
Express Both Positive and Negative Emotions
People who are able to express both positive and negative emotions in their conversations are seen as more real, genuine and charismatic. They allow people to see all the different emotions that they go through, because they understand that it is the emotions that people are relating to most. My closest friends have seen some my darkest moments, and I too have witnessed theirs, but we have also shared memorable and joyous conversations.
Think about this, if you have one common activity with a friend then you’re going to get along. If you have five activities in common with your friend, chances are you’re going to be damn great friends. Emotions are the same. When your friend expresses only one level of emotion from you they are connecting exclusively on that one level, but when you’re able to offer them a wide range of emotions that range in different levels during conversations, then they feel connected on multiple levels.
How do You Make People feel More Connected to You Using Emotions?
You have to be able to be comfortable sharing the challenges in your life and the ones that frustrate you. If you had a bad day at work then sometimes it’s good to call up your friend and let her know. Don’t try to force yourself to be positive about the experience or reframe it in a positive because some motivational guru told you too. Maybe the best thing at the time was to talk it through with someone to let all that negative energy dissipate.
But this also means that you should talk about positive or neutral news at lest 90% of the time in your conversations. This way they feel that they are with a friend who wants to share as opposed to dumping their bad mojo on them.
Look closely at all your conversations with your close friends, or the people you want to be close friends with. Are you allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to show the side that makes you sad, angry, upset and even depressed once in a while, or are you afraid? From my own personal experience, the friends that never did want to share any bad news, or I felt like they were hiding it were never my friends for long. That’s because I felt they weren’t being genuine.
In order to have the great conversations, have the majority of the conversation be positive and light, and to make a person feel closer to you, don’t be afraid to have a negative emotion in there once in a while.
What do you think? Do you think it’s important to be vulnerable to show some of our negative emotions to be able to have connecting conversations with your friends?
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