You’ve probably heard it before. Healthy relationship communication is essential for a marriage or long term relationship to last. The question that must be asked then is, “How do you do that?”
Here are 4 Sure Ways to Ensure Great Relationship Communication Between a Couple.
Relationship Communication Principle Number 1:
Use the “I” perspective instead of the “You” during heated discussions.
Whenever you are in a heated conversation it can be easy at times to start blaming your partner for certain things.
“You are so lazy, you always make me take out the trash,” or “You are so bossy when we go out with my friends.”
You won’t know for sure what your partner is thinking or doing. Telling him what he is or what she is thinking is dangerous and will eventually lead to a screaming match.
The worst part of these particular types of fights is that you may eventually say something to your partner that will be hurtful that you truly regret later on, and this can cause bad tension in a situation. The only time you should use the word “you” is when you are referring to a specific situation not a general statement.
What you want to do is express how you feel using the “I” perspective and keep it on topic and not based on generalities. The moment that you decide to use the “I” perspective the discussion moves away from attacking the other person and more about how you view and feel about the situation. This keeps the conversation about you, yet can still move the conversation towards a solution with minimal focus on being defensive by the couple.
BAD WAY: “You are so lazy, you always make me take the trash out!”
GOOD WAY: “I feel that I’m taking out the trash the majority of the time and that frustrates me. It would mean a lot to me if I could get help more often.”
BAD WAY: “You never seem to commit to anything you say you will. You’re always lying to me.”
GOOD WAY: “I’m angry, because I feel that the trust I have for you has been broken because this is the second time in a row that you’ve broken your promise about taking me out for a Friday night dinner.”
Relationship Principle Number 2:
Avoid the use of universal statements, and keep it on topic.
Universal statements are bad for any relationship. Example of universal statements are “You always yell at me whenever I’m driving,” or “You’re never supportive of me learning new things.”
If you use such statements you are suggesting that the person is ALWAYS like that, and if your partner can point out one time that he or she wasn’t behaving or thinking that way then you have lost all credibility in the discussion.
It’s important to discuss how the specific situation is making you feel and to ensure that you only talk about that specific situation. It is okay to bring up past events if it is relevant to what you’re discussing but remind them gently. You want to avoid sounding defensive or as if you are nagging.
Never ever bring up topics from the past that do not have any relevance to the conversation. If you both are discussing about which vacation spot to go to this year, and he happens to be adamant about choosing his vacation spot, do not go, “You know what we always have to do what you want to do. Just like when we bought our car, I felt forced to choose the car you wanted.” The principle of being feeling forced to choose the male partner’s decision is another topic for another day, but don’t mix it in with the vacation talk when it should be about the vacation.
If as a couple you have trouble with the way that your partner deals with things, then make that a completely separate conversation for a later time.
Relationship Rule Number 3:
Paraphrase the important points he or she has made.
If you want your partner to feel that he or she is understood, it’s important to paraphrase what you believe she’s feeling and their situation.
If she goes, “I’m just sick and tired of you going out with your friends and you never spend time with me.”
You may paraphrase, “From my understanding, you are frustrated that we don’t spend enough quality time together anymore? Is that fair to say?”
If you are correct she will acknowledge what you have said. If you are off in interpreting how she feels, she will then continue on telling you that that is not what she meant and explain it in a different way. You would then paraphrase again until she has satisfactorily felt understood.
The reason why this is important is because this ensures that both parties understand each other’s view points. When we feel that we are understood we remain calm in those situations and we also develop stronger bonds with our partners.
Relationship Rule Number 4:
Know the difference between sharing and solving when listening to problems:
This took me a while to get when I was in my own relationship with my current girlfriend. I used to believe I knew, but I was deadly wrong in many situations.
When women sound upset or even angry about a situation (not aimed at you) they are sharing how they feel about a situation. They don’t necessarily want a problem solved right away. If their boss yelled at her that day. She will share her feelings and her thoughts about the situation as a way of bonding with her man.
While men may look at her and believe that she is looking to have her problem solved and diagnosed. This isn’t always the case.
While for men, when they have moments of upset they may not necessarily share all the details of what is going on. Instead men may physically work off that angry energy that they are holding inside.
Men will tend to share their problems when they believe it’s a necessary to vent or to solve a problem not as a form of bonding.
What do you believe are some sure fire ways to maintain a healthy relationship communication? Share your thoughts!
Related posts:
- The Top 10 Realities of Being in a Committed Relationship
- 3 Ways to go from Dating to a Relationship for Men
- 5 Ways to Maintain Love & Relationships with Women
- Why Dating Conversations are not Relationship Conversations
- 4 Ways to Have a Conversation about A Topic You Know Nothing About
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